Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
