Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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