its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
