I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
