Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
