Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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