They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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