i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
