a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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