meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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