you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Someone signed my nipple.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
