he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Randomize
