Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
