They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
