please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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