let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
