she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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