omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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