Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
