I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
