I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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