saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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