Swine flu. Run for my life!
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
