I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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