I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Randomize
