my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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