I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
