I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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