My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I have feelings that need drinking.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Randomize
