I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
