I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
