Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
