You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
