I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
