i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
