So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
