why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
