just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
