dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
