All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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