my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Randomize
