dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
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We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
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He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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