he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
