He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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