I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
