I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
