So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
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An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
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That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night