my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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