just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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