take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
