Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
