Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
