My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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