thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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