____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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