Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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