dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
