I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
